Friday, December 19, 2008
Today I have made the concious decision to try and fulfill one of my fantasies, and in doing so hopefully lead me into more and more of my fantasies. I have been masturbating frequently since I was about 14. And it has become a habit that I love. I have done it in the shower, in the bathtub, I have done it into my socks and my mothers lingerie (most frequently when I was younger), I have done it when I stayed with my grandparents, I have done it when I stayed with my best friend in his shower. I have masturbated once a day at least for the last year, and when time allowed I would get two and three times a day in. especially when I was left to my own devices. My masturbation tendencies have led me to spend hours online reading my favorite stories i.e. crossdressing, forced womanhood, forced feminization, and that ld me to my strongest fantasy of all which is being forced to suck a large cock and take several men to pound me repeatedly for hours and tie me up tightly while they rest, or even partially tie me up and make me serve them while they watch football and randomly torment my tiny sissyclit. I have tons and tons of pictures on jump drives to hide it from anyone using my computer, they are mostly pictures of tied up girls or trannys, although my favorite pics are the captions of dom women talking about chastizing, forced cum drinking, forced bisexuality, forced bondage, and mixtures of all of these. I usually have at least five different things on my screen going back and forth fixating my fantasy. When I am at college I have a drom room to myself so I can facilitate my crossdressing fantasy, I usually tie up my cock and balls and put on some matching lingerie, usually a matching lace red thong and padded bra covering the thong with matching boyshorts to the bra (this helps pressing my cock down) next comes the pantyhose, sometimes if i feel really daring I paint my toenails a bright red, But I haven't had the courage to paint my fingernails yet as my dorm shares a bathroom. I have gone into the bathroon to shower with my toes done and it was one of the more outrageous things that I have done. I usually put on at least ashade of dark red lipstick that I stole from my grandmothers massive color selection. then I put on a dark eyeshadow blue or green and eyeliner. then I indulge myself in all of my pictures and stories. this will last from an hour to three hours is the longest I have gone. when I am dressed to the nines like that I will usually put up a flash animation about wanting to suck cock from hypnotic wishes which is my favorite flash site. I will lay on my back throw my legs over my head and stare at my tiny sissyclit as I stroke it to orgasm where I give little feminine moans, and let it squirt all over my face and in my mouth. immediately after i lose all desire to be dressed in fem, and especially no taste for the cum that is all over my face and in my mouth, but I force myself to swallow all that is in my mouth, and usually wipe the rest off because I am so embarrassed. I realized that if I truely wanted my fantasies to come true I would have to make sacrifices, and those sacrifices would come at the expense of my dignity and my pride. so I have decided to seriously try orgasm denial, with teasing myself. I spent three hours today looking at my favorite pictures and my favorite story and "edging" as I learned what that was about 7 times then going to the teases of this site and letting Mistress Ashton tease me some more. That was the most frustrated I have ever been. then I got one final edge and completely stopped. I closed all of the windows and tried to relax but I stayed so horny and frustrated I stayed on the edge of cumming for almost an hour after I had stopped stroking. I am not sure how long I can go without cumming, but my first goal will be 2 weeks. I want to follow a regime of self feminization where I begin by wearing panties all the time and then start sucking a realistic dildo with balls to learn how to be an expert cocksucker.to be humiliated into femininity. I get to go into the city on Monday where hopefully I will be able to get some more lingerie, an actual womens outfit, my first real dildo, and my first chastity belt!!!!!!!!!!! Heres hoping that they have what I am looking for.
If anyone has any suggestions to help tease me, deny me, feminize me or help with my current situation please let me know. I am still kind of shy online but I am trying to get better.
I will try and give this an update every few days in order to keep me honest. I am going to need lots of will power to not cum.
Jessica (yes that is my fantasy fem name)